


Forever Grateful

by glasswrks



Category: Lost Girl
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, F/F, Future Character Death, Future Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-27
Updated: 2012-11-27
Packaged: 2017-11-26 14:11:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/651289
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/glasswrks/pseuds/glasswrks
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is set in the future, there is a MAJOR character death. Althought Kenzi/Hale do make an appearence in the story, it's not about them.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Forever Grateful

**Author's Note:**

> **Spoiler/Mention:** Brief mention of second season episodes six and sixteen, "It's better to Fae out than burn away," and "Schools' Out."  
>  **Disclaimer:** All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual. I ripped off this disclaimer... so did I, but I do want to add: "Lost Girl," is on Showcase. It was created by Michelle Lovietta. It is developed and produced by Prodigy Pictures in association with CanWest.  
>  Thanks: To my beta, Eblane not only for the beta, but helping out with the title and my bestie, Becca, who tells me: "Less than a month until the new season starts."  
> \-----------------------------------------------------------------------

What do I miss the most about you?

What is it about you that I miss?

No matter what words I choose or the order I arrange them in, it remains a very difficult question.

It's difficult because it's one I never wanted to consider, let alone answer.

Yet, here I am thinking about it.

I have no choice.

I can't _stop_ thinking about it.

No matter how much I wish I could.

No matter how much I wish this was all some terrible dream.

But I know it's not a dream, it's a nightmare.

One I will never wake from.

One that will never end.

What do I miss?

First and foremost, I miss you.

Hands down.

I hate that you're no longer here with me, that I can no longer see you whenever I want to, that I can longer hear your voice.

Sixty years wasn't long enough.

There are... were so many questions I still needed to ask you, so many plans I didn't get around sharing with you.

Making me wonder why did I wait?

I should have known better.

Now all I can do is think of all the things I miss...

Like your smile.

If, if I _close_ my eyes I can see it.

I can see your eyes crinkle in the corners, I can reach out and touch your face and trace your lips... overwhelmed by the sensations bombarding me from that simple gesture.

Making the pain I feel that much worse when I open my eyes and you're not here.

I miss your laugh.

I miss your sense of humor.

I even miss your impersonation of your high school prom date, Andrew.

How could he have been so blind and such as ass when it came to you?

Yet, I am forever grateful to him for passing you up and giving me the opportunity to know and love you as I did.

I wish we had known each other back then. I would have been the luckiest person alive, showing up with you on my arm. Of course we would have been at _your_ prom; I don't think my parents would have appreciated me escorting a woman to mine.

I know Ryan tried to make it up to me when he found out I hadn't gone to my prom, and it was nice; I can't fault him that.

But seeing your face, how your eyes sparkled when you and I walked into the auditorium, made what he did pale and fade away in comparison.

You had no idea what I had been up too and I wanted so badly to share this with you.

To make a memory we would never forget.

I was so nervous when I tried to pin on your corsage, scared that I'd poke you with the pin.

I just had to go the extra mile.

No stupid wrist corsage for you; my hands shook so much you had to pin it on yourself.

You were so beautiful and all I could think about was, 'how did I get so lucky?'

Holding you close to me as we danced, feeling your heartbeat as I placed my head on your chest.

Hearing you say, "Thank you Bo."

You never had to thank me.

I would have done anything just to see you smile.

Anything.

I miss you so much.

I'm not sure how I am expected to go on without you.

How is it possible?

How does my heart continue to beat without you?

I don't sleep.

I can't.

I keep seeing you, haunting me with memories of our life together.

I'm being told it _will_ get better that I will never forget you and the pain which seems determined to tear me apart with each passing moment will lessen in time.

That...

I _will_ learn to love again.

I shake my head.

How _can_ I love again?

Why would I want to?

I know you told me this day would come.

You told me I would have to prepare myself for this eventually no matter how much I resisted it.

I can remember how angry I became.

How I rushed out the door, the sound of your voice echoing down the hall, calling me back.

The sound of the door as it slammed behind me.

I didn't want to hear it.

I kept telling you to drop it and you wouldn't.

All I thought was that you didn't love me, that what we have... had wasn't enough for you. All the things we had gone through, all the love we shared wasn't enough.

That it could be easily cast aside as meaningless.

How it _didn't_ matter to you; _I_ didn't matter.

I can't remember how long I was gone, one day blurred into next.

I didn't want to be found – not by you, not by Kenzi, not by anyone. So, I went to places no one knew about, where the fact that I was an unaligned Succubus meant nothing.

Where being a wife and mother meant nothing.

I wanted to get _lost_.

And that's what I did.

It was so late when I finally stumbled home.

I didn't expect anyone to be up... but you were there, waiting for me when I stepped into the living room.

You were always there, no matter how long it took for me to get my head out of my ass.

You were _there_.

I reeked of booze, smoke and some other things I'm ashamed to think about.

I didn't care.

I thought I could drive the love I felt for you out of me; that it was _okay_ and it wouldn't matter.

You wanted me to live without you and I was taking _your_ words to heart.

I tried to prove not only to myself, but to you as well that I could live without you.

I failed miserably.

I couldn't look at you, the shame I felt made it impossible.

You didn't say a word.

Not one.

I looked up when I heard you move. You stood up from the couch, never looking away from me, never condemning my actions. You just...

Opened your arms to me.

I could not believe it.

Nor could I deny the relief I felt seeing you again.

I rushed into your arms, my haven.

You held me tightly.

I breathed you in.

You're my home.

I told you I understood, that I was sorry for running out, running away and I would do my best... when the time came.

You smiled and kissed my temple and hugged me tighter as though you believed me.

I knew better.

You could see right through the lie, and yet you let me, you never called me out on it.

You took me to our bedroom and slowly removed the clothes I was wearing. You led me into the shower and washed away every last bit of my shame.

You held me as I cried telling me it was "Okay."

Your lips were a benediction as you kissed away the taste of... others from me.

Your hands touched me, possessed my body making everything disappear. I could tell you were holding back; you moved so agonizingly slow, pushing me to the edge over and over without letting me fall.

I could barely stand, my legs were shaking.

I was shaking.

"Please," I begged.

Your breath was ragged in my ear, "You're mine Bo... do you understand?"

"Yes," I gasped, my hips moving, desperate to feel your fingers.

"Don't _ever_ leave again."

"Never," I groaned.

Your right hand slid up under my left leg and hooked it around your hip, grinding against me. Then I felt your fingers and was yours again.

You held me as wave after wave of both emotional and physical release washed over me.

You held me until I was able to stand on my own again.

When you turned off the water I knew then you were not going to let me touch you.

You would not let me make love to you.

Not now.

You simply staked your rightful claim on my body.

You dried us both off and took me into the bedroom and slid under the covers of our bed. You would not let me hold you, you held _me_.

"Good night Bo," you whispered.

"Good night Lauren," I replied as hot tears fell from my eyes. I had hurt you, I had hurt us both and wasn't sure there was anything I could do to make it better.

We never spoke about _it_ again.

But Kenzi...

She told me later on, how frantic you were when you couldn't find me.

How you didn't sleep.

How mad you were at yourself for bringing up the subject.

She told me you asked her to look after me, if, if I decided not to come back.

I laughed; I could not help it.

We were supposed to take care of each other, not _Kenzi_.

And just that quickly my thoughts turn from the past and into my present.

Reality hits me head on.

You _aren't here_ to do that anymore.

I broke down and cried.

I cried until I had no more tears left, until my head pounded. Then I crawled into our bed and stayed there for days on end.

I didn't care about what was going on around me.

I did not want to care about my self or anyone else.

As far as I know, everyone else is fine.

But I'm dead inside.

You left such a hole in my life.

Huge.

Gaping.

Abysmal.

I'm not sure how I'm supposed to go on without you.

I...

I don't want to.

Right now, I don't care if my friends, our friends and family are desperately trying to get through to me, trying to get it into my head that I still have so much to live for.

That I should not give up.

That I can't give up, that you would not want me to.

It's just so _hard_.

They don't know what they're asking of me.

I'm not that strong.

Not without you.

You were the one that kept me sane when I thought I'd go crazy.

You were the one I could reach out to when I couldn't keep my nightmares away.

You were the reason I woke up to face another day, another challenge to become more that what I am.

You were my reason to look to the future and not get trapped in my past.

They don't know.

They don't.

They never will.

As I wallow in my grief, I feel the bed dip very slightly.

I'm not sure who did it, but suddenly Joshua is in bed with me. He crawls over my body and lies down.

He stares at me with your eyes.

I can see the confusion on his face.

I don't think he really understands what's happened.

His little hands touch my face. "No be sad Granma, no be sad."

I take him into my arms and kiss his face, holding on to him. I feel his little arms reaching for me as well. He doesn't try to escape from my hug like he normally does when he's held too long.

My heart clenches as I feel his lips on my cheek, "Wuv you Granma."

"I love you too Joshua," I reply.

My eyes close and Joshua keeps me company.

I don't even recall falling asleep, but when I woke up your name was on my lips.

When my eyes focus, I don't see Joshua's face anymore. I see Kenzi instead.

Her eyes are red and I can see the concern in her eyes.

The years have been good to Kenz.

She totally rocks her silver hair, how could she not?

"Hey Bobo," she said softly.

My smile is bittersweet.

She hasn't called me that in a very long time.

"Kenz."

"I wanted to let you know, it's okay to miss her. I do," she said.

"I don't want to talk about it," I replied gruffly.

"I know you don't. I'm just here to support my sister."

We don't say another word. Kenzi lays down next to me, her hand gently holding mine.

I've never known her to be so, still before.

And I know she's hurting too.

You two grew to be the best of friends, no matter how hard Kenzi tried to fight it. She probably would not admit to it without a few drinks in her.

You both know... knew me better than anyone else and I feel ashamed that I cannot help her through this.

Your loss has affected Kenzi as well, but she's stronger than I am. This tiny wisp of a woman... this _human_ has been a rock for our family. It is something I can never repay.

She's taken care of everything, all of the arrangements that you had seen to, making sure things would go smoothly.

It's just like you to plan ahead.

I just nodded when it was expected of me.

Kenzi is the one the children sought comfort from. Aunt Kenzi saves the day... I don't know what I'll do when... it's her turn.

"Hey Bo, sweetheart..."

My eyes clench tightly.

I want to lash out.

How _dare_ they?

How could someone play the holo-vid you left behind?

I haven't watched it, I can't... I can't.

If I do, then everything becomes real.

All of it.

Right now at _this_ very second I can pretend you're at some conference and when you get home you'll tell me all about it. You'll tell me what new things you've learned and I'll show you just how much I've missed you. And we wouldn't leave the bedroom until...

"Honey please..."

No... no... no!

I feel warm tears cascading down my cheeks. I turn and I start sobbing uncontrollably as I see your image come to life.

You are still as beautiful as I remember.

"Babe, don't cry. I know this is difficult for you and I'm so sorry you're going through this..."

It's as if you can read my thoughts.

"We both knew it was going to happen, but Bo..."

Your voice is so clear, so strong, so alive.

"Lauren..." I gasp.

"I'm right here sweetheart. I will _never_ leave you. I can't. You carry me inside of you. I love you so much Bo and I know, I can feel how much you love me as well and that's the only thing that makes leaving you bearable."

I sit up, Kenzi's presence next to me forgotten for the moment.

"Do you remember when we got married?" you asked.

I nodded my head.

"You were so breathtakingly beautiful. I actually forgot to breathe when I saw you walking down the aisle. If Hale hadn't reminded me, I think I probably would have passed out, but you didn't know that did you?"

"No," I whispered as I shook my head.

I had no idea.

I could only remember how hard my heart was beating, how dry my throat was.

How scared I was that I would not be a good partner, a good wife.

That I wasn't good enough for you, how you deserved the best life had to offer and that you'd probably realize this and leave.

"I could not wait to be your wife Bo. I could not wait to make you mine. I knew you were even before the ceremony. I didn't need a piece of paper telling me something my heart and soul already knew. You... you wanted everyone to know that we were going to be together, always. And I want you to know this now and forever, I would choose you Bo, and marry again."

"So would I," I said smiling in your direction.

Looking back, asking you to marry me was one of the best decisions I've ever made in my life.

One I will never regret.

Never.

"Bo, I need you to do something for me sweetheart, please."

I nodded automatically.

There was _nothing_ I would not do for you Lauren.

And before you spoke another word a feeling washed over my entire body.

I _had_ to live.

You had asked and I could not refuse; not this, not anymore.

I would have given you the world wrapped in a ribbon if you had asked.

"I need you to look after Bridgette."

I was confused.

That was the last thing I thought you might say.

Why would I have to look after Bridgette?

She was the most self-assured of all our children. She was a mini-version of you, right down to your sense of humor.

I know as a parent you aren't supposed to favor one child over the other, you're supposed to love them equally.

But I had to admit.

I loved that little girl more than I thought was possible. I never thought I would love someone more than you.

And I think you felt the same way with Andrew.

"You have to take care of yourself for her sake. You know she still thinks you hung the moon. I'm not sure she could handle losing her Momma. I know I couldn't if something had happened to you first. You've given me more love and happiness than I ever knew was possible. I'm still not sure what I ever did to deserve you being in my life. I wish I was there right now..."

"So do I," I say.

"Sweetheart, I will _never_ leave you. I love you Bo, always."

"I love you Lauren."

"Never forget."

"I won't."

The holo-vid stopped and I stare into the empty space you had just occupied.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to see your face again.

Deep down I knew I would eventually.

I'd have to.

"Where's Bridgette?" I asked Kenzi.

"She's in the living room, she hasn't moved," Kenzi replied.

I stood up from the bed and slowly walked out of the bedroom.

I didn't have to look behind me to know Kenzi was there, walking behind me.

She had my back.

I walked down the hall and looked at the pictures. So many memories of the life I shared with you Lauren.

Our wedding portrait.

Kissing you under the mistletoe.

Our wedding anniversary, with me on my knees, kissing your stomach after you told me we were pregnant. You hand in my hair, looking at me with such love and devotion.

Then pictures of the kids dominated the rest of the hallway; there was Bridgette, then Andrew, followed by Jessica and finally Sean.

There are so many pictures of our family throughout the house; we could not be prouder of them even if we had tried.

As I enter the living room I see friends and family looking in my direction. I know they were here to show their support and their love and I thank them for coming.

But my main focus is on Bridgette. She would always be my baby girl and it hurts so much to see her so lost sitting on the couch.

I sit next to her.

She looks up and I gasp at the pain I could see in her eyes.

"I'm... I'm sorry Momma," she says haltingly.

I could not understand why or what she was talking about.

Why was she sorry?

"I'm... I'm sorry I couldn't save Mommy."

I took her into my arms and held her tight. Our bodies shook as we both began to cry.

I caress her hair and whisper, "It's not your fault. I'm so proud of you Princess." I felt her squeeze me tighter; I hadn't called her by her nickname since she was a child.

I knew Bridgette had been working on the formula Lauren started all those years ago.

She had been trying to develop a serum which would extend her life expectancy.

It would not have made her immortal.

That's not what she wanted. She just wanted to give us a little more time.

Bridgette was as brilliant as her mother, if not more so and decided to take up the challenge.

Of course life's irony reared its head.

Bridgette had perfected the serum.

It could boost a person's life expectancy by at least twenty years.

Of course Bridgette could not have known it would not be ready in time to save her mother.

"She would have been proud of you baby," I tell her as I look over and see Kenzi leaning against Hale.

It would work.

Lauren would have wanted it this way.

I smile.

Before I know it, I am surrounded by our children.

They miss you so much Lauren.

I kiss them all and I know I have a reason to carry on.

I can never thank you enough for what you've given me.

You've given me everything I've ever wanted.

Everything I never imagined for myself: a family.

You gave me love.

For some people, sixty years is a lifetime.

For me, sixty years would never be enough.

Thank you for loving _me_ Lauren.

Thank you for giving me life.

For making me truly believe, I _am_ more than my species.

I am your wife, I am a mother and I am a best friend.

I am forever grateful.

Thank you.

The end.


End file.
